(Note from Marie: I was 100 pages from the end of the book when I posted this, so I haven't read it yet. Can't wait to read it in the AM when I finish the book! Rock on, book club wenches!)
By: Alyson Hackett and Ronlyn Howe
Jaine Bright and three close friends share dinner one night and during casual conversation, create a list of qualifications for the perfect man--some logical, some hilariously funny, some racy. Within days, their tongue-in-cheek wish list of attributes for Mr. Perfect has been leaked to the press and the subsequent publicity is overwhelming. Coworkers, TV crews, and reporters barrage the quartet with comments and criticism.
As if Jaine doesn't have enough to cope with, she has a new neighbor who she suspects is a criminal. She's relieved to learn that her neighbor is really an undercover cop, but she's still wary--because smart, sexy Sam Donovan handles her sharp witticisms with easy humor, and Jaine suspects that he may threaten her heart. What Jaine doesn't know is that she's about to need Sam desperately for something other than romance because her circle of friends is in big trouble. Unfortunately, that list of qualifications for Mr. Perfect has touched off a madman's rage. All of their lives are threatened and some of them are going to die, maybe all of them, if Sam can't stop the unknown killer.
REMEMBER: FIRST YOU PILLAGE, THEN YOU BURN. THOSE WHO DO NOT COMPLY WILL BE SUSPENDED FROM THE RAIDING TEAM.
So, as Hackett and I sat to write this write up we brainstormed ideas of what key points we want to hit on in regards to Mr. Perfect. We decided that saying “THE ENTIRE BOOK” just wouldn’t cut it, so here are some of our absolute favorites!
-Of course the war between neighbors Jaine & Sam. Her being convinced he's a drug dealer while he's just sure she's trouble.
“I haven’t had any sleep, any breakfast, or any coffee. I better leave before I hurt you.”
He nodded. “That’s a good idea. I’d hate to have to arrest you.”
-The geek signs cause dude those are freaking hilarious!
FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION; ITS BUNDLED WITH YOUR SOFTWARE
EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY, ALL EMPLOYEES WILL BE REQUIRED TO TAKE A COMBINATION OF GINKO AND VIAGRA, SO YOU CAN REMEMBER WHAT THE F*** YOU ARE DOING
XEROX AND WURLITZER HAVE ANNOUNCED THEY WILL MERGE TO MARKET REPRODUCTIVE ORGANS
-The friendships the women have which leads to the happy hour which leads to making the "Mr. Perfect" list in the first place. (I asked Hackett who she thought would be the one to most likely make that type of a list out of us...why are you all laughing??)
#1: Faithful. Doesn’t cheat or lie.
#4: A steady job
#5: Sense of humor
#6: Money: Financially Comfortable
#7: Good to look at
#8: Great in bed
#9: A ten incher
“C’mon! Anything over eight inches is strictly for show-and-tell. It’s there but you can’t use it. It might look good in a locker room, but let’s face it – those extra two inches are leftovers.”
-The banter in this book is some of the best we’ve ever read. So funny.
“You can’t change your mind!” He sounded desperate now.
“Yes, I can.”
“Do you have herpes?”
“Then you can’t change your mind.”
“What I have is a ripe egg.”
But, mostly, we want to talk about having the blinds up and peering out our windows to admire men drinking orange juice.
“This is Jaine, next door. I hate to tell you this…but you might want to close your curtains.”
He wheeled to face the window, and they stared at each other across the two driveways. He didn’t dart to the side, or squat out of sight, or do anything else that might indicate embarrassment. Instead, he grinned. Damn, she wished he wouldn’t do that.
“Got an eyeful, did you?” he asked as he walked to the window and reached for the curtains.
“Yes I did.” She hadn’t blinked in five minutes, at least. “Thank you.” He pulled the curtains together and her whole body went into mourning.
“My pleasure.” He chuckled. “Maybe you can return the favor sometime.”
He hung up before she could reply which was a good thing because she was speechless as she closed her blinds. Mentally she smacked her forehead. Duh! All she would have had to do at any time was close her own blinds.
“Yeah, like I’m stupid or something.”
-And of course, the happy ending that wouldn’t be Jaine & Sam without some humor:
“I always heard that sex was different with a woman you loved, but I didn’t believe it. Sex was sex. Then I got inside you and it was like sticking my c*** in an electrical outlet.”
“Oh. Was that what all that shaking and yelling was about?”
NEW PRESS RELEASE BY THE FDA: RED MEAT IS NOT BAD FOR YOU. RESULTS OF TESTS SHOW IT IS FUZZY GREEN MEAT THAT IS BAD FOR YOU
Smoky Orange BBQ Chicken Sandwiches
1 supermarket rotisserie chicken
1 tablespoon olive oil
1 small onion, chopped
1-2 cloves garlic, minced
2 chipotle peppers in adobo sauce
1/2 cup ketchup
1/4 cup orange juice concentrate
Zest of one orange
1 cup chicken broth
Grill seasoning or salt and pepper
Sliced red onions
4 crusty rolls, split, toasted and buttered
Remove chicken meat from rotisserie chicken and shred; set aside. Heat oil in a large saucepan over moderate heat. Add onion and saute for 3 to 5 minutes or until onions are soft. Combine garlic, chipotle peppers in adobo, ketchup, orange juice concentrate, orange zest and chicken broth in a blender. Blend on high until sauce is smooth. Pour sauce into saucepan with onion and heat to a bubble. Reduce heat to simmer. Stir in shredded chicken and cook until heated through, about 5 minutes more. Spoon chicken mixture onto toasted rolls and top with lettuce, sliced onions or other desired condiments and toppings.
1-½ cup All-purpose Flour
½ teaspoons Salt
2 teaspoons Baking Powder
1 cup (heaping) Plain, Lowfat Yogurt
1 cup Sugar
3 whole Eggs
1 teaspoon Vanilla
1 whole Zest Of Lemon
½ cups Canola Oil
½ cups Prepared Orange Marmelade
¼ cups Yogurt
Preheat oven to 350 degrees.
Spray a loaf pan with non-stick baking spray (or grease and flour it if it makes your skirt fly up). Sift together the flour, baking powder and salt. Set aside.
In a separate bowl, mix together 1 cup of yogurt, sugar, eggs, vanilla, lemon zest, and canola oil until just combined. Pour over dry ingredients and mix until just combined; do not over beat.
Pour into a loaf pan and bake for 45 minutes. Remove from oven and allow to cool slightly. Remove from pan. While cake is cooling, pour marmalade into a sauce pan. Heat it on low until melted, stirring occasionally. Add 1/4 cup of yogurt to the pan and turn off heat. Stir to combine, then pour slowly over the top of the cake, allowing icing to pool around the sides.
Eat. Groan. Repeat.