Friday, July 16, 2010

The World According to Brandy: My Side of the Story

By Branderson Cooper "Brandy" Force

I understand my mom has been spreading malicious lies about me on Facebook. First, she told you about the...um...pooping incident in the car. Allow me to explain. They took me to the doctor and he gave me some medicine that knocked me out. When I woke up, my belly was sewed together and I had a lampshade on my head. That look really didn't work for me. The other dogs in the neighborhood were making fun of me. It was a mess. The people I live with kept shoving pills down my throat, and I blame the pills for the in-the-car pooping incident. Even I, who have a seemingly endless supply of poop at the ready at all times, can't poop twice in 20 minutes unless I'm on something. Agreed?

Now, about the welcome mat situation. Can I help it if they put a mat at the door that I find particularly tasty? What's a girl to do with that kind of temptation and nothing but time on her paws? Personally, I find rectangular welcome mats somewhat passe. I mean who doesn't have one of those? How many families can say they have an isosceles triangle for a welcome mat? When the triangle welcome mat becomes the "in thing" will anyone remember that I was the one who started that trend? I like to think of my design sense as avante garde. Deal with it!

The dog door I installed on the back deck was just practical. Easy in, easy out. No muss, no fuss. That's what I'm all about. Busting through the second screen to the big deck just seemed to make sense from an engineering standpoint. If I have access to the small deck, why not the big deck, too? I knew you'd see it my way.

Finally, about yesterday's sofa peeing incident. That was definitely Mom's fault. She went away for DAYS and DAYS and didn't even tell me she was going. Then she came back and rather than spend the entire day playing with me, she was busy on that damned silver thing with the apple on it. So when she put it on the downstairs sofa, I figured if I took a whiz on it then maybe it would have to dry for a while before she could use it. That would buy us some play time, right? Apparently I didn't pee hard enough because after she flipped out, she cleaned it up and went back to work. Rather than play time, I got a time out. Major fail. That silver thing is my enemy when it comes to scoring time with mom. I'm getting out my hard hat and protractor and going back to work to figure out a way to get rid of it. I'll report back to you on my progress.

10 comments:

Lauren said...

Marie, You seriously need to think about writing a children's book from a dog's perspective.
Brandy is a very funny dog and definitely deserves her own book or, at the very least, her own blog.

Mary G said...

Brilliant, just brilliant!!! So funny & charming. Lauren's right.
A kid's book with the adventures of Brandy. I'd buy it. Geez, you can write anything.

LOL my word verification is tingslit.

Marie Force said...

Lauren and Mary,
A children's book from brandy's perspective. I'd call it the How to Be Naughty and Get Away With It Because You're Cute Guide to the Universe! LOL

Penelope said...

Brandy, I totally think you are getting shafted. I peed on the sofa and now I am permanently banned from the living room! My owners put a gate up between the kitchen and the living room, and even if I put my nose through the bars, in a pathetic "Why am I in this prison?" pose, they ignore me. It is so so so unfair. We'll have to get together to commiserate soon. Hope you are getting lots of good biscuits,

Lucy, the Naughty Wiener dog

Marie Force said...

Lucy,
You are totally getting the shaft. I have some thoughts on how you might bust out if you want to contact me offline. My mom doesn't know but a shepherd in my neighborhood hooked me up with an iPhone, so you can give me a call sometime!
Brandy

Monie said...

OMG!!! That is the funniestthing I have read in a long time! I am still laughing! You need to write a book from Brandy. Seriously! Sooooooo funny! And you have to agree with her. Teddy agrees with her about the lap top. He says that he is the original lap top and belongs on daddy's lap. Not the black and silver thing.

Marie Force said...

Monie,
Brandy is going to get a fat head from all this acclaim. Next, she's going to expect me to get her an agent!

Tell Teddy that Brandy agrees with his definition of laptop!

Mary G said...

Ok now I want a talking dog LOL.

Judy F said...

Brandy I knew it couldn't be your fault. Just look at that innocent face. I hope you can whip those parents of yours into shape.

Sammy the cat

Nicole said...

OMG! I'm cracking up laughing at Brandy's perspective on life... you must come up with her own blog. I'm sure it will definitely be a hit. hey, a cat's twitter is the hottest thing.

Funny and charming!! Love Brandy!!