Friday, December 11, 2009

Gravity Always Wins

Remember that John Mellencamp (or was he Cougar then?) tune, The Authority Song? I fight authority, authority always wins? Well in my case, if you substitute the word gravity for authority then you've got my theme song. I fall down—a lot. Not sure why, but me vs gravity is an ongoing battle, and gravity is certainly winning the war.

It all began when I was 9. I skidded out on some sand on my bike and took a major wipeout that led to an ER visit. The doctors and my parents were understandably concerned about the injury to my nose that occurred when the crossbar landed on my face. However, I kept trying to draw their attention to the more painful knee vs pedal injury, which has plagued me in various ways ever since. Later, when my brother and I were allowed to ride our bikes on a busier street, I got run off the road by a flower delivery truck and crashed into a chain link fence. Ouch! I have a scar on my elbow from that incident. I still remember my mortified brother continuing on without me! After that, I more or less scratched bikes off my list of can-do activities. (I'm not counting the incident on a lonely road in Indiana with my now-husband running along side me when a large dog came bolting after us and took a chunk out of my tush. Somehow I managed to stay on the bike that time—score one for me vs. gravity!) I ended up married to a guy who lives to ride bikes and owns seven or eight of them at last count. He goes bike riding by himself. It's better that way.

Skiing was another disaster of epic proportions. There was the incident with the tow rope when I tried to avoid a kid who had fallen in front of me and took the metal bar to the fanny (are you sensing a theme here?) leaving a HUGE bruise. Another time I had to be tied to the instructor to get down off the bunny slope. In an ironic twist, we returned to that mountain years later and my daughter took a lesson from the same instructor. I swear he remembered me...

Ice skating? No. Just no. Rollerblading? An even bigger NO. NO. NO.

Lately, however, I haven't even needed extreme sports such as bike riding, skiing or ice skating to bring me down. In October, I fell out of my car into the driveway and T-boned myself on my own laptop, breaking a rib. Yes, you read that right. Do you know anyone else who has ever uttered that particular sentence? I didn't think so. I blame my husband for this accident. He parked his truck at a weird angle in the driveway, which forced me to do the same, putting our downhill-facing driveway further down than it normally is when I step out of my car. The weird thing is, I don't really remember falling. I remember shifting my laptop bag to my left shoulder and then I was in the driveway with the computer wedged in my rib. What happened in between is a mystery. When I told him about what happened, my father suggested I lead with my feet. Ha. Ha. Ha. That's really funny, dad. Thanks. My husband blames the driveway, which rushed up to meet me. By the way, the computer was just fine. Thanks for asking. And, yes, I did check its condition before I took a look at the swiftly swelling rib area.

I recently stepped into my daughter's landfill of a room, encountered beads under my feet and went sprawling, face down onto her floor. "Watch out for the beads," she was saying as I hit the floor. Gee, thanks for the warning!

Just this week, I stayed in a hotel for my aunt's funeral. It was just me and a king-sized bed, which I somehow managed to miss when returning from a middle-of-the-night potty run. One minute standing up heading for bed, next minute laying on the floor. As my cousin so astutely put it, isn't the king-sized bed the focal point of the hotel room? Yes, it is, but somehow I managed to miss it. As we trudged through sleet and snow to get to my aunt's grave site, my cousins propped up their elderly parents—and me. They weren't sure who was the bigger liability.

Gravity always wins.

11 comments:

Cheryl Brooks said...

Hmmm...not sure whether I want to share a hotel room with you in Nashville or not, Marie. Might be too dangerous!
Hope your bruises are fading fast!

Marie Force said...

I am a danger to myself and others, Cheryl!

diva donna said...

Marie,
I'm sorry for your. Have you checked your eyes and ears lately?I have done some goofy things, but not as many accidents as you.
I stepped on a stringer of bullheads and they stung my feet when I was a kid. I fell off my bike many times. I tried to stop, but the hill was Icy. The instructor tried to stop me. And ripped my pocket off my coat. I was trying to teach my hubby to fish in a boat. He caught me in the arm with a Daredevil. I had to go to the hospital to have it removed. I was swimming and a sunfish came and bit me in the back and was attached to my mole.
More recently, I was weeding and fell into my Rose bushes Face first. I stepped off my step ladder wrong and fell off and landed on my DVD holder. So I found myself among 200 DVD's on my Butt. But Marie you've got me beat. You need to wear a protective Helmet girl.

Marie Force said...

LOL, Donna! I'd say we're neck in neck! Now, let's hope one of us doesn't break our neck! HA! My cousin wants to get me a bubble suit for Christmas. He thinks he's funny!

Emmanuelle said...

Ouch ! I'm in pain just reading your blog... being born with two left feet and two left hands myself, I can totally relate. I don't fall much though. My specialty is bumping into things. Especially door handles (I have those small bruises on my arms all year long to prove it !).

Rosamond said...

I love your story and not because I was laughing at you, but I don't feel so alone anymore. You will appreciate this..I went to Hawaii back in June for work, yes it's a hard job but someone has to do it. So it's me, the only female amongst 22 men, so I really have to hold my own or they will just be relentless of any mistake I make. Anyway, we are in Hawaii working like crazy and finally get a night out, now I'm still not the fancy dresser so a night out in Hawaii is capri's, tank top and a pair of sneakers for me, I'm all about comfort. So here I am walking down the main street in Waikiki, we are going to have a few cocktails and then some of the guys were gearing up for karaoke at one of the bars, well while we were walking down the sidewalk I was people watching and couldn't help but to think to myself that the women out for a Saturday night can't possibly be comfortable in those freaking shoes they are all wearing, I mean come on do you really believe 3 or 4 inch heels clomping around Waikiki is fun, I just don't get it, well the next thing I knew I was standing in the road so stunned I didn't even know what happened, and I kind of hobble my way back to the sidewalk before I got hit and everyone was asking what I just did, well it took me a few seconds to realize that while I was make fun of the stupid shoes around me and happy I was in my sneakers, I walked myself right off the curb and into a 8 inch drop of a storm drain. OMG did that hurt, well lucky for me we had just reached one of our destinations for the night, little did I know it would be my last, I'm sitting there with a beer and trying to act like I'm not dying in front of the guys. Well I went to get up after about 20 minutes of sitting there only to realize I can't put my foot down at all and my ankle is now so huge and sticking out of my sneaker, well I hobbled my way back out of the bar and tried to walk about two steps and that was it, I had to face the fact I couldnt walk, so I took cab back to the hotel and hopped my way back to my room on one foot I can only imagine what people were thinking seeing me hop down the hallway and into the elevator, thank god I request a room near the elevator which is usually right near the ice machine so I stocked my ice bucket and called it a night. The next morning was much worse and I called one of the guys I knew wouldn't be too hung over and it turned out the emergency clinic was at the end of our street so he walked down and got a wheel chair and came back and got me so I managed to hop back into the elevator and hop to the lobby to meet him and he wheeled me down the street, I was mortified. Now I don't know which was older the clinic or the doctor, he took one xray and said I broke my foot and that he would not cast it because of the swelling but for me to see a specialist on Monday morning so he wrapped it instead and gave me some crutches, to which I died laughing at, ok I was walking on my own two feet in sneakers and apparently broke my foot and now you think I can balance on two sticks and one foot, I mean are you serious? And I was to stay off of it for at least three days, well I was there to work so that wasn't going to happen either. I did go to the doctor the next day and it was so badly sprained, that doctor said it would have been better if I just broke it but there was no brake. Well this doctor did put the air cast on it which helped, and hopped on and off a navy ship for the next 7days what a disaster that was, I thought for sure I was going over the side a few times. Well I finally got home where I had to drive myself now, and I spent the rest of my summer in physical therapy and it still hurts today.

Marie Force said...

OH jeez, Rosamond, that is soooo something that would happen to me. While I am sorry you got hurt so badly and so far from home, I'm glad it's not just me who never wins out against gravity. I sprained my ankle--violently--a few years ago and it still bothers me. We don't bounce back the way we used to, huh?

Oh and I am with you on wondering how come I didn't get the teeter on spike heel gene. Although, refer to the paragraph above and you will see what gene I did get!

Barbara B said...

Okay, thought I could give you a run for your money, but after reading your list and Rosamund's, I think it might be a "Girls of Ridgewood Road" thing...

As a kid, riding on the back of someone's bike, I managed to get a spoke through the back of my ankle when my foot hit the back wheel - I lose points with the bike thing, because I still have all the flesh on my butt, unlike Marie :).
Running in the snow ahead of 2 of my brothers one Christmas, Don called my name and I turned just in time to take a boomarang to the nose, followed immediately by my face getting rammed in a snowbank to stop the bleeding. The same brother who threw the boomarang later helped me get another scar. Chasing him across the blacktop driveway, I tripped, fell to my knee and continued to skid for about 2 feet...knee skin vs blacktop...BLACKTOP WINS.
Went to NY for a quick weekend trip, and helping out a friend by feeding her dog for her landed me in the emergency room for 130 stitches in my face (thank heaven the on call DR was a plastic surgeon).
Took a cruise with my hunk o' burnin' luv (HOBL)and another couple, I'm sitting on the beach, enjoying the sun, and when I take a sip of my soda, the bee taking a sip ahead of me decided the inside of my lip was the place to make his last stand...
and then there is the kayak incident - we spend 4th of July at the lake, campsite full of pine trees, roots, all the usual things, boat, jetskis and kayaks right there on our own little waterfront area. Decided to go check on the kayaks one last time before bed and went to the bank (about 4 ft above the water), check on the kayaks -"yep, two and fine..." turned to walk back to the tent, flipflop caught on a root (first time in 5 years), and even though I was walking away from the bank, managed to fall off the bank, grabbing and clawing for a hold, and finally came to a stop next to my kayak. Last point of contact: my leg to the side of the kayak, broke my leg. Not a finger, from the roots I was trying to grab, nope,end of the fall, last roll, and now I have the ankle of steel.
Suffice to say, my family has certain "concerns" when it comes to me and vacations lol.
Finally, in general getting me on escalators, moving walkways and navigating UP stadium seating does not always have a favorable outcome :). I say:
"Girls of Ridgewood Road Syndrome"

Marie Force said...

LMAO Barbara! I gotta say, sharing a soda with a bee is one thing that HASN'T happened to me. I'm with you on escalators and moving objects. I have a big dream about walking down the escalator, hands free, checking my watch the way I see OTHER people doing, without falling face first down the unforgiving metal structure. So far, I'm able to look at my watch while remaining motionless and CLINGING to the black rail with my other hand. I figure I've still got 40 or so years to work out the rest of the logistics.

Rosamond said...

Ok, Barbara wins on the injury list, maybe it was something in the water from Ridgewood Road?? The moving walkways in airports really is the dumbest thing ever so again I am glad I know others that don't use them or at least hate them as much as I do. The thought of the three of us getting together would be awesome, but it would also require one of us or two to travel, who's up for the challenge?

Marie Force said...

Well, Rosebud, you and I hate to fly!